I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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