sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
