last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
