Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
OPIZZABONMYDICK
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
