He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
