I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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