Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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