It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
