I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
