DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
