if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
