Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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