The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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