Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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