First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
