I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
