Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize