I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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