Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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