this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
