Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
