If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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