So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
