wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
