Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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