Got a toothbrush?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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