If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Randomize
