seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
