im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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