I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
