The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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