y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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