i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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