I cockslap morals
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
