When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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