All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
