you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
