I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
