"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
