New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
