I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
