I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
