I think I won the penis lottery.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
