The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
