Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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