I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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