I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
my phone needs a breathalizer
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
