Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
