The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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