where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
