dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
