I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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