Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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