He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's rum buckets o'clock
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
