how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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