theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
