My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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