Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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