barbara walters just said penis...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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