he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
