Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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